I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
