Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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