im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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