So gin and wine won't be happening again
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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