If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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