It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
