I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
