my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
