I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
