I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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