I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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