I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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