i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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