problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
