i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
