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• (619): View more from California

  If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  nutella sex= disaster

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.

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• (425): View more from Washington

  Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out

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• (915): View more from Texas

  She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?

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• (216): View more from Ohio

  facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups

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• (251): View more from Alabama

  He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.

  (1-251): View more from Alabama

  you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?

  (251): View more from Alabama

  Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".

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