I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
