I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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