a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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