You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
