these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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