The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
