I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
