Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
