four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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