My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
