Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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