dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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