she woke up with a sticky ear
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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