i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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