If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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