dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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