Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
