the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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