Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
