There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Never underestimate the power of titties
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
