im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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