I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
