come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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