I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My ass is underappreciated
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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