whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
