dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
