I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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