last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
