fuck your aforementioned shoe
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
