My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize