I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
