I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
