M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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