I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
