Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
