I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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