There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
