At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
