hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
