he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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