totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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