Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
