I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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