Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
