I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
