I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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