Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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